Christine

If you read this I want you to know first off that this isn’t to put you down or insult you or anything of the sort. But if you’re already reading this I ask that you read it completely and try to understand it all.

Christine,
It’s been almost 9 months now to the date since you decided to end things with me. And you know, despite it all, I don’t hate you. As much as you may have tried to get me to so it would be easier for you to handle I just don’t. Despite the pain and agony you put my heart through although you said many times you wouldn’t. Honestly I don’t think I can or will. If anything I hate how you ended things and threw everything away like I meant nothing to you. Everything I ever gave you. How I cared for you the most up to that point and how I proved it. How I was there every time you needed me. That I stayed loyal to you even when you thought I was flirting or doing things behind your back (if you ever thought that). You know, I knew something was happening over the last few weeks but since I caught on to it I was trying to fix it. I don’t know if I was late but I don’t think so. I think you just gave up. If you did I don’t know why but hey it was your choice. I was making the effort and I was doing my best with what I could. But this letter isn’t to put all the blame on you or make you look like the bad person like the way you tried to do with me. I just wanted to get this out. I really don’t understand what lead to you breaking up with me and accusing me of all that you did. I understand what you meant by not completely feeling the same way you use to but even then we could have talked about that. I mean, I didn’t lie to you once when I said I loved you and if you had just talked to me about what was on your mind I don’t think we’d be were we are now. You asked a lot of things from me and I did every single one. I stayed by you when you needed someone. I listened to you when you hated living with Virginia and just needed to rant to someone. I didn’t stress too much about guys hitting on you or telling you to break up with me because I trusted you and I loved you. I didn’t abuse you in any way. I did my best to get along with your family even if I sometimes got the feeling they didn’t really like me. I know your mom had an issue with me about not going to college but you know why I couldn’t do much at the time but hey while we’re on the topic guess what? I took a class at Devry and although it wasn’t much it was something. Actually it was something I was going to surprise you with the next time you came down but you broke up with me. I’m still trying to attend but for right now the only problem I’m having is financial. But see even with your mom not liking that or in general not liking me at all I really never had anything against anyone in you family. That’s why I didn’t get why you accused me of threatening you and your family. I didn’t understand why you accused me of anything that you actually did when you broke it of with me. I really meant it when I said I still wanted to be friends with you. But what did you do when you agreed at first? You ignored me and that was fine. You asked for time and out of my respect for you I gave it to you and you can’t deny that. And around the same time you broke up with me I was under a lot of stress. A lot... and I really needed someone. I was expecting you to be the one there. I thought you would because I was there for you on a lot of things. Either way, you left when I needed you. And I see were you would have taken it as against you but when I posted that status it wasn’t meant for you at all. I was talking about everything in general. Not everything is about you. I’m not saying that to piss you off or to make you feel bad. It’s just the truth. But any who, you took the status personality and then you wrote that message to me. You know the one. The one were you basically told me to kill myself if I thought it was the only way out because you felt I was trying to guilt trip you into coming back to me. NO. I wasn’t doing that. I told you then and I tell you now. I was hurt when you broke up with me yes but it was your choice and so I respected it although I didn’t like it. I don't know what you meant by you saying you were sick of my shit. You know for a FACT that I wouldn't and didn't make you do something you didn't want to. Why would I do that to you? My love for you wouldn't allow it. Either way, this isn't to argue or fight or anything like that. This is just me getting out what I couldn't phrase before. And maybe you hate me for some unknown reason but I think the reason behind it is that I don't hate you. You were so use to your previous boyfriends before me treating you like shit when you broke up with them or them just treating you like shit in general and the fact that I was different threw you off. I didn't treat you bad throughout the time we were together. I gave you everything I could. I was there every time You needed me and If there was a time I wasn't I'm sorry but for the most part I was. I never disrespected your family. I respected you parents and the times your mom felt I had been disrespectful I went out of my way to apologize for it. and with everything I did for you I believe that the reason you hate me now (or you say you do) is because you are use to being the one treated bad and them being the bad guy. But you know I'm not. You hate that I cant give you real reason to be mad at me and because of that you don't really hate me. You're trying not to feel guilty for what you did. And maybe you won't admit it to me or maybe I'm wrong (but I don't I am) but there is a part of you that still cares about me. The same way a part of me cares about you. We CAN be friends and you know it. But don't think you're better than me just because you're the one who hurt me. Because I thought you should know that even now, after all of that you did, I don't hate you and I would still be there if you needed me. Oh, one more thing. I know that after you broke up with me you got with Adrian. And you know what? He's a good guy I bet and I hope he treats you well. If you're wondering why i didn't insult you or talk shit on you is because although I could and can I don't see the point in sinking to that level. Anything that any of my friends told you or those of them that went off on you was for their own reasons. I never asked them to. They chose to do it on their own accord. So tell people what you want about me. I know the truth and so do you. And like I said, we can be friends. I'm still up for that. I was up for from the start just so you know. And maybe you read all the way to this point and took everything into consideration or maybe you didn't even click on the link I sent you and you never read this. Either way, this is here for you to read if you like...

Atomic Deconstruction and Fusion

Explain to me why the atomic destruction is more chaotic and powerful when two atoms are combined rather than splitting an atom in half? All that is in love and life is in the answer. Let's see if you understand. Try thinking like me

There are several ways this question may be taken. When i first thought of it I figured that out after analyzing and analyzing it numerous times. This is MY answer. Every atom represents a singular being. One sole person. An atom falling upon itself is one of the most destructive events known. The force can be so destructive the blast will even affect it's surroundings. It's the same with humans. One can fall even if they are strong because, mighty they may be, everyone has a breaking point. Our own collapsing upon ourselves. When we we have reached the bottom of that pit it's a difficult way to the top again. Why? Because we are alone. One atom splitting in half is powerful but throw another in the mix? And instead of both collapsing combine them? The ultimate result of that combination is unlike the first. To begin because there are now two atoms there is also more to be taken into account. More protons, electrons, and two nucleuses. (with people these would be our emotions, minds, and hearts.) The atoms being mashed together like that must try to make room for one another but in the process they stretch themselves too far to mix perfectly. As our emotions grow our minds take what is happening into affect. And as they continue to grow we are in a constant struggle because with our emotions steadily evolving our hearts and the love for this other atom come along for the ride. Here's the problem though: when we stretch ourselves that far it's not that we don't believe in the other person. It's that we fear the pain that may come with loosing them. Or the pain that only they are capable of inflicting upon us. Atom fusion and deconstruction have no real similarity when it comes to this however the reason the two can be compared to this subject is because of what they represent. That life is not perfect and will never be. But in there lies the beauty of everything around you. It's as simple as fully and completely giving yourself to someone. You do it knowing you've handed that single being the key to your destruction but you do it anyway. Why? Because apart from the fear you feel the love you have is stronger. And that pushes you to trust them. No relationship works without this. It is the primary building block of any kind of relation. But nothing can be perfect. It's why the combination of two atoms is more chaotic. While being able to be there for one another in a time of crisis they can also obliterate each other if not. The atoms are not only dealing with the world within themselves but a completely different world outside of them now too. The combination is usually not good. However, this doesn't mean they don't come close to a perfect match. Sometimes the atoms are able to become one. They become a new creation. The remnants of the old them still remain but there is also the birth of a new particle. This new being...it's so damn near perfection....it's like watching air turn into gold. In other words, a miracle. It is an astronomical event that rarely occurs but when it does if you stop and look at it you see the value of life and love in it. You can see purpose in it. Real purpose. Of course nothing is fair and there will be struggle. Nothing is fair because that way everyone has a fair chance. And that's what makes things more precious when you gain them. Because of how it became yours.

The Move, The Phone and The Friend

Ever feel like your being crushed by the weight of everything? It starts out small but with passing time it begins to grow and the stress increases followed by possible annoyance and impatience for things that seem to go wrong. It never seems to be your fault you know? I mean it could be but you never admit it right away. At first you'll point the finger in any direction because it's a "great" injustice to you. How or why would you begin to slowly deconstruct that which makes a difference and matters to you? Is it an unconscious effort to find something you feel without? Or maybe you are bored with your regular day to day events and you want just a little change. Just enough to make some difference and drag you out of the boredom you've begun to feel. Recently I've had a couple of things to deal with that I really didn't expect and didn't want to happen. But hey you live and learn? (to that I'd just like to point out the small and clear fact that: Life is a BITCH. not always. but a good amount of the time. or is it just me that has to put up with more than the normal person? Anyway....) And the only reason i point out that sometimes although we try to blame it on things or even those around us when in reality it's our very own faults is because I've seen people who have done so and because of it they've pushed those closest to them away and then realize too late what they have done. I'm not pointing the finger at anyone really. If you want to get down to it I'd probably blame the environment right now. And I mean it more towards the economy. I'll explain in a bit but the list goes like this:

1. about the last week of march (round the time of my birthday) my birthgiver told me we have to move. simply: one parent working+one parent without a job+Rent=financial problem
2. I am now about to replace my phone ONCE AGAIN for the third time. same model... at least this time I ain't paying shit. They owe me.
3. A very close friend of mine had started to believe that I was secretly trying to break him up with his girlfriend and therefore started treating me like shit, telling me he didn't want to be friends anymore. really?

Now, even for me, who's had to deal with a lot of crap at once before and this would seem like a small list with controllable problems, these little obstacles aren't so "little". HOWEVER, I'm not going to allow the stress to get the best of me. I'm dealing with everything how I can. Trying to stay optimistic you know? When this gets dropped on you from nowhere it's what you have to do otherwise it'll affect you bad. I blame the economy by the way because starting with number 1 on the list it started because of how shitty and down the economy. And no I'm not using personification. I'm talking about the repression/depression this country has sunk to in the last few years. Yes you can blame Bush for that but actually he was just a figurehead. You ought to look more into that but for now lets blame him. I didn't like him much anyhow. (XD) So, because everything is down financially and all that obviously problems will arise. See we live in this house with these rooms where our beds are. The ones we sleep in you know? I'm kidding but yeah, the house we are renting is actually quite big. We have like 7 rooms. It'd be awesome if we owned it but we don't. Rent is something like $2000 a month. We were on a lease that came to an end a few months ago. While the lease was in effect we did not mess up on the rent once. But sometime around last year in like march or April my step dad lost his job. He was let go because business was slow and they needed to downsize. He was one of their best workers. He worked for Rhino Linings. Look it up. Anyway, because of that he had used any and I think all of the money he'd saved up in his account (which was a lot.) to help pay for the rent. My mom has been the only one working. Apart from my uncle and aunt living with us. (7 rooms remember?) But even with their help it hasn't been to good. Recently our landlord and his wife (mostly the wife) has been coming around asking about the rent. we tried talking to them calmly and civil about the problems we were having but of course we have to have an asshole of a landowner. My bad, a Bitch of a landowner. His wife has been the once annoying the fuck out of us. Me. My mom searched around in Corona to find another place to live but I guess she didn't find a suitable or cheap place so she called up my grandparents and voila! now we're moving to Arkansas....Yay.....*sigh*. I don't really like my grandparents and apart from that I have grown quite close to this little place. Corona is the place I've lived the longest in. We have moved a couple times before. This would be I think like the 12th time in what has been my lifespan so far. But the old folks that are my grandparents own so much damn land and they are helping us out for some reason. (maybe cause we're family) I've made it clear to my family that I'm not going to be there for long though. I like California. I am going to move back. When I'm 21 (two years away) I will be returning. I'm going with them because they asked me too and need my help with somethings. And don't get me wrong it's not that I don't like moving and all but I've grown close to the place and the people here. And it's just I would prefer not to move right now. if we stayed or something and then I saw the chance to go somewhere new with someone I cared for like a close friend or love interest or with the promise of advancement then yeah I would take it. It's just I don't want this just yet but it's happening. The upside is that I'll make new friends were I go and when I get a good job I can save up money and with time hopefully by myself a car. nothing too big right aways. Just enough to get me from point A to B without breaking down and working good.

Second thing. My phone. My provider is Metropcs, a.k.a Metropieceofshit, has good plans but shitty service. sometimes it's great sometimes it's not. The phone i have right now is the third of the same model that I've had because each one has had something wrong with it. First phone: wouldn't charge and keypad gave out. Second phone: Keypad gave out. Third(recent): it's only ten days old and screen gave out. They told me they'd replace it one more time but that if it happened again they would give me a new model. They better. I'm not paying for something that isn't my fault at all. I also use my phone to be contacted or contact people a lot so yeah i kinda need it and constant malfunctions are irritating.

Finally, My close friend who' mind seems to have a glitch. Accusations and insults were spat at me but with no evidence that I'd committed said acts or "the Crime". That and he begun to tell me he didn't want to be friends anymore because I'd betrayed him and gone back on my word. Yet again, no proof of anything. At first it hurt a lot because he is a close friend of mine. I didn't understand it. Still don't completely get how all this started in the first place. Like why he started to assume this and think i was doing those things. He was stubborn for a while there but yesterday we talked. Just me and him. We needed to do it that way. It had to be that way because he's not fully comfortable talking about what he's feeling in front of many people. I am one he does feel ok with. We talked stuff over and he admitted to a number of things. i pointed out how when he'd started acting the way he'd been acting he wasn't only pushing me away but his attitude was pushing away his girlfriend who is the one person he cares for most but at the time nobody understood what the hell he was doing. But things are better. I think and feel they are. i made sure he understood that I wasn't doing any of what he was saying or blaming me for and to keep it out of his mind. Out of respect for him and because it is something kinda important to me I will not go much into detail about what we actually said. In the end he's still my friend and things seem to have calmed down. Lets hope they remain that way.

For now that's all. I'll blog more later as for now: Hang out with friends. Fight a ninja. Become a pirate. Have an Adventure. Call in a bomb threat to a school. Offer kids candy if they get in your car with you. Stalk someone for the hell of it. Order pizza and give them your neighbors address. Entertain yourself. Be back soon.